Loneliness
by BloodFromTheThorn
Summary: Skye was truly sorry for what she'd done but did Ward really hate her so much? Could be pre-Skyward


_I'm going under the impression that Skye couldn't use computers for a short while after having the bracelet fitted - Coulson said something like that to Miles._

_First time in this fandom - apologies for OOCness. _

* * *

Before Coulson had snapped the bracelet around her wrist, Skye had spent hours sat in the darkened jeep in the hangar bay, tapping away idly. It was her escape for the madness her life had become and she always found comfort in the familiar clack of keys and the soft whirring of a laptop fan, a retreat of the most basic level. Now that she actually needed it? Coulson had taken it from her.

For the first day or so, Skye had been furious. She had felt wronged and abandoned and she couldn't bear the weight of everyone's glares for something that she had thought they would understand. It wasn't until three days of self-imposed solitude had come and gone that she realised she was so busy being angry about the punishment, she'd almost forgotten the crime. She'd betrayed them. It hadn't caused any major damage except in their trust and that was entirely her fault.

So, she slapped on a brave face and made the rounds, seeking out ever member of this dysfunctional family to tell them personally how sorry she was - with varying degrees of success. Fitz and Simmons were not people to hold a grudge and they both seemed to genuinely like Skye, so as soon as she apologised they slipped back into their usual pattern. Coulson and May were harder to read but it seemed that though they were still hurt and angry, there was some softness in their expressions that implied she might be forgiven some day. And then there was Ward. All through her apology he had stared into the distance with a look of complete disgust colouring his features, as though she was an insect beneath his notice.

Even two weeks later he still couldn't stand to look at her. Every time they were forced into each other's company, Skye felt like she was drowning in the waves of tension that rolled off Ward's shoulders and she couldn't stand it. She'd thought that in the last few months they'd actually started to become something like friends but her actions had obliterated any fondness he may have been harbouring for her.

And so she found herself in the jeep, no laptop, no way of distracting her overworked mind from the guilt of what she had done.

When someone tapped on the window she was so startled she almost fell out of her seat before lurching to roll down the tinted glass.

"...Agent Coulson," she greeted formally. She didn't know what to call him anymore - nicknames had always felt more natural on her tongue but she was under the impression that any show of familiarity on her part would not be well received.

"Mind if I join you?" She blinked, entirely thrown for a loop but she unlocked the door and pulled back so that he could slide into the small space. "Can I ask what you're doing?"

Oh, is that what this is? She disappeared for a few hours and they need to check that she's not doing anything illegal behind their backs. Maybe they think she somehow smuggled Miles into the jeep.

"Nothing, actually," she told him pointedly, worrying at the edges of her sleeves subconsciously. "Do you need me for something?" She already knew the answer - until she could use technology again, she was entirely useless to the team.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright actually," he admitted in that straight-to-the-point voice of his. He was watching her with eyes that missed nothing and it was more than a little intimidating.

"I'm fine."

"It's not gone unnoticed that you're rarely seen out of your room or this jeep these days."

She wanted to scream at him, to cry and yell and throw things, simply so that it would give him something else to focus on. Of course she was avoiding everyone - it wasn't as though they wanted her around right now. Teams were like machines: every piece had a job and they worked together in harmony to achieve things beyond an individual. Her job was the tech and right now she couldn't so much as tap a computer key without the thing melting down.

But she knew that really that was just an excuse. Fitz and Simmons would be more than happy for her to hang out in their lab to give them someone else to talk to but that ran the risk of running into Ward when he came down for weapons testing. There were only so many times she could torture herself by being in his presence. As if the immovable band around her wrist wasn't enough of a reminder that she'd screwed up and had almost chosen the wrong side.

"I've not wanted company." It was blunt but Skye just wanted him gone at this point. Being alone was something she was used to and it had never really bothered her but she was starting to learn the difference between being alone and being _lonely. _Sat there, under Coulson's ever watchful gaze, she felt lonely.

"I know this is hard for you. I'm sorry." He didn't sound terribly sincere. "This was the only compromise SHIELD would accept."

"I'm fine," she repeated, annoyance crawling through her veins. She just wanted her solitude so that she could gradually decay into something she wasn't ashamed of.

"Of course you are." He still didn't make a move to leave however. "How's your training going?"

At this point Skye was almost certain that he was trying to rub it in. "I'm not training anymore." As if Ward was going to deign to help her now. He might have talked about wanting her to be able to protect herself but that was before he'd seen the real her and there was no way he'd still have the same foolish desire. He didn't give a damn about her anymore.

It shouldn't still hurt like it did to think that.

"Why not? You seemed eager enough before."

"I don't exactly think Ward wants to put his time into someone like me." It burned her throat on the way out but she prayed to three gods she didn't believe in that Coulson wouldn't hear the pain there.

"Someone like you?" She didn't clarify so he shrugged. "I'll talk to him."

Her hand shot out before he could open the door, latching onto his arm fiercely. "No!" He glanced at her in surprise and she tried to school her expression into something less raw. "Don't. It's fine, honestly."

Coulson looked at her for a long moment, measuring her up with a flicker of his eyes. She held her breath.

"Alright. I won't say anything. I think you should try to talk to him though." And just like that he was gone, closing the door softly behind him and leaving her to her solitude. But after something like that the jeep suddenly didn't seem so comforting anymore, pressing in at her with its shadows and hollow emptiness.

Normally she could make it from her room to the jeep and back again without running into anyone, provided she avoided certain times but with the way her luck was going she shouldn't have been surprised that she ran into Ward. Literally. His hands came up automatically to steady her as she staggered back, catching her elbows then releasing her almost instantly as though burned.

She took a measured step back, blushing lightly. "Sorry." He didn't even look at her, just swept past without a word, huffing slightly as though his displeasure wasn't obvious enough.

It wasn't until she was within the sanctuary of her room that she let herself acknowledge the coals that had settled in her stomach, bringing nausea to her throat and leaving her hands unsteady. Why did she care so much? Ward hated her now, big deal. She still had Fitz and Simmons and perhaps Coulson - why should one man who wouldn't even look at her matter?

But of course he did. It was hard to explain but the feeling was there, burning a hole in her gut. She barely even liked the guy but she'd found something underneath his hard exterior that almost felt like a home she'd never had and suddenly that had been ripped away. Again. She was no stranger to lost homes and forgotten families - it was all she'd ever known.

Only this was different because she'd really worked for this one, spent every painful second trying to draw Ward out of his shell enough to see him and she'd barely even begun to understand him, only to lose it in moments. That lonely feeling was back.

She spent another two hours on her bed, humming to herself and listing every quality of herself she could think of. She tried not to care when the bad outweighed the good. A knocking roused her from her doze though, and a smiling face peered around the door.

"Hey," Jemma greeted. "Fitz's been cooking some dinner if you wanted to join us. The food's terrible but everyone's getting together for it."

Skye would have said yes in an instant before but now she hesitated, reminding herself of that little exhale Ward had given as he brushed past her like she was nothing. She had no desire to sit across from someone who thought so little of her.

"I'm not really hungry. Thanks though."

"Have you eaten today?" Jemma suddenly looked a lot more stern, the smile dropping away behind a mother-like glare.

Skye smiled at her. "I'm fine Simmons, just tired. I think I'm going to get some rest."

"You've been _resting _all day. Come on, it'll be fun." She looked so hopeful that Skye felt even worse but she knew she'd never make it through a whole meal without throwing something.

"Maybe some other time. Really, it's alright."

* * *

Skye had decided to take her own advice and actually try and get some rest, so when someone knocked on her door an hour later she was mildly irritated. She rolled off the mattress in one smooth movement and pulled open the door with a little more force than necessary, only to freeze when she saw who was on the other side of the panel.

"Ward."

"Skye."

There was an awkward pause where she just stared at him in utter confusion and he did everything he could to avoid eye contact. He wasn't glaring at anything though, so that was an improvement.

"Did you need something?"

He hesitated before thrusting something towards her. She reached for it out of instinct. "Simmons insisted you ate something so I brought you some leftovers."

"Oh." She didn't have much else to say to that, looking at the plate as though the answer to life was about to spring from its surface. This was wildly out of her depth and she had no idea how to react to any of it. "Thank you?" It wasn't supposed to be a question.

"I also wanted to remind you that you have training in the morning, so I'll leave you to get some rest." He slipped away before she could formulate a response to that. Had Coulson said something after all? Or maybe Ward had just decided that he'd had enough of punishing her - unlikely. Perhaps this was just his way of telling her that their relationship wasn't entirely irreparable.

Maybe this was just a start but it was better than nothing. If she could fix what she'd done then maybe she could work out just exactly what it was that she felt for him. Whether she was imagining the chemistry or not.

Yes, it was a start.


End file.
